It's not the deep, philosophical question it seems like, it's quite literal. Why am I here? In this hospital with its old rooms and dry air. Missing my family. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just pregnant. This is my second go-round at this and I feel that my eyes have been opened to so many things I missed before because I was too consumed with worry all the time for anything to sink in.
As usual, I'm ahead of myself. I went in for my one of my final weekly appointments on Monday. There had been some concerns about the swelling in my feet, hands and ankles from the week before. Alone, it's not much, but coupled with other factors, it could be. It's not comfortable by any means, but I had swelled much worse with my first child and make jokes about my cankles on FaceBook. Seems like a normal part of pregnancy.
Monday's appointment brought a slight increase in my blood pressure so the doctor was a little worried. Labs were drawn to check my kidney and liver function and I had to return Wednesday. Wednesday came and the blood work was normal, but then they found protein in my urine. Another of the risk factors of pre-eclampsia. A 24 hour urine collection was ordered and I would be back to the office on Friday. I just can't get enough of the place.
Friday, things took a crazy turn. I went to the office late in the day with my 24 hr collection. Blood pressure was the same as it had been for weeks. The swelling was the same. The big difference was an increase in the urine protein (from the office sample, not the 24 hour). This one seemingly small thing set off a chain of events that I'm still trying to wrap my head around. I was immediately sent to Labor and Delivery and essentially prepped for a C Section. I was sent to get more blood work done as well as wait for the 24 hour collection results. Oh and while I was there, I would be getting an IV and not allowed to eat. Hmmm. Sounds like I'm having the baby to me.
I had a mini meltdown that I won't talk about, but I'll just say that I was not ready to have the baby at that point.
When the doc came back, my labs were normal, urine collection had come back OK. Fetal monitoring and blood pressure had been normal. We were OK. So I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief. No C Section and I would get to go home. Instead, there was a long conversation. Essentially what it boiled down to is that while I was not diagnosed as preeclamptic, the fear of pre-E was still there. And we would have to watch it very closely and worry the entire time. Oh and if I want another C Section, it's mine for the taking. The reason this is so tough is because I'm a previous C Section patient who wants a trial of labor. My doc really wanted me to say yes, let's do it, but that's not the way I want this to go down.
My hope is to have a VBAC but I get the sense at times that she might think I'm letting that dream get in the way of what's best for baby and I and that's why I keep refusing this C Section. I was told I am not preeclampic so why is it necessary to have a section? Yes, I am aware and have been told several times that babies odds outside of the womb are great at this point. But why take any risk at all? Especially if baby and I are doing well. Just because it is medically considered full term doesn't mean to me it needs to be out. What ever happened to having babies when they are ready? We live in a nation now where nearly a third of babies are sectioned out and it seems rare to meet a mom that wasn't induced into her labor. I'm not judging these things, nor is it my business what a mother decides to do in her birth. I just want (as much as nature allows anyway) to be able to choose my birth too. Why can't I do that because it's not like the norm?
I know inductions and C Sections are necessary at times. They both happened to me on the first go round. But when I explicitly state that I do not wish to have a C Section and there is not an apparent medical reason to do so, why am I treated like I'm crazy? I don't need to be told over and over that the baby can survive outside the womb, I know that. But maybe I'd like him or her to stay in there until its ready. Can we remember a time when babies were allowed to do that?
My ranting has lead me off the story, but basically, even after being told I was OK and feeling lots of pressure to get a C Section anyway, I was told I was staying overnight for observation. I was just glad to not have the C Section so I didn't get to thinking about how ridiculous a hospital stay is for someone with nothing wrong. The longer I stayed, the more I realized, I'm just here to leave urine samples and get my blood pressure checked a few times. A total of 4. Some fetal monitoring this morning. All still good by the way.
I'm out now. Doing my best to stay calm at all times and dedicated to my beliefs. I'll fight whatever battles I need to in order to do what I think is best for my family, but dammit it would sure be nice if providers were supportive. Aren't we all on the same team?